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Bob Weir for President!

I've decided to throw my hat in the ring and make a run for the White House. I believe I have a good grasp of the issues and a lot less baggage than most of the other contenders. Sure, I know it takes a lot of money to wage a national campaign, but I'm willing to do it on a shoestring budget. In fact, I won't accept donations because I refuse to be indebted to anyone. (Also, because I probably wouldn't receive any.)

 

I figure the way to get the most exposure for my campaign is to be so controversial that the media will follow me around to record every word I say. I'm going to look hard at every issue statement made by the front-runners, and I'm going to embellish and add to it.

 

For example, some politicians are for universal health care. They’re vague on how we would pay for it, but most voters are unlikely to let facts intrude on promises. Therefore, I would proclaim that everyone should get free health care that includes doctor visits to the homes of ailing patients. In addition, those who require surgery will be able to arrange it in as little as 24 hours with the physician of their choice and it won't cost a dime. I'll give stump speeches about the role of medicine in society, the Hippocratic Oath and the duty of doctors to heal the sick and injured without expecting monetary rewards. I'm certain to lose the doctors' votes, but, since there's about one doctor for every few thousand potential patients, as a vote getter, it's a no-brainer.

 

Leftwing politicians have been criticized for embracing illegal immigration and creating policies that prevent citizens from contacting INS about immigration violations. Since pollsters tell us that most voters are incensed over the issue, I will propose that we round up all twelve to twenty-million illegals and deport them. When I'm asked how I propose to manage such a huge undertaking, I'll simply look straight in the camera and say something philosophical like, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” That answer will cause people to feel that I have a plan to accomplish the task. But, even if I don't spell out how I would do it, they will be left with the impression that my intent is in accordance with their visceral needs.

 

Polls indicate most Americans are for an end to all foreign wars. Consequently, I'll mount the podium and say, “No US soldier should be committed to combat zones one more minute than is necessary for the completion of the mission. If I'm elected, that mission will be accomplished quickly, and those brave troops will return home with the victory they deserve.” If I'm asked to elucidate, I'll say that my plan must remain confidential; otherwise, the enemy will take steps to counteract it. Do you think anyone is going to force me to give military advantage to the terrorists?

 

Realizing that major support from women is essential to winning, I'll use every opportunity to show the voters that I have the utmost respect for the opposite sex. During every speech, I'll not only have my wife call me on my cell phone, but I'll have my 3 sisters and my daughter on a schedule to call me at designated times while I'm addressing large crowds. Whether I'm talking to the NRA, the NEA, the NAACP, or the AARP, I'll answer the call with a warm smile and an endearing comment. “Hi sweetheart, I'm talking to the National Endowment for the Arts right now. Would you like to say something about that sculpture you've been working on?” Or “Hello Dear, I'm talking to the National Rifle Association. Do you want to tell them about the new Remington, Model 870 series shotgun you just qualified with?”

 

When the subject is taxes, I'll promise massive budget cuts in areas that will not detract from necessary services, while slashing taxes to the bone. When asked how such a seemingly impractical dynamic is possible, I'll say, “The government has its hands too deep into the pockets of working people and it's time that we put an end to this benevolent barrage of bureaucratic burglary.” By the time they figure out what that means, I'll be sitting in the Oval Office.